Colorize Life.

Hanging just by a thread

My brain cells are hanging by a thread. Making presentations is not as easy as I thought it woud be. Or at least that’s what I thought it should be. Im not actually working,im just doing it for the sake of doing it because im burnt out. Im tired. And this is not what i really want to do. 

Escape

This is not an escape. This is not an excuse for me to say that i cant take the challenge of thinking creatively. It’s just that I lost interest. Im just doing things for the hell of it. Its not more fun anymore. Its more tedious. 

Pretense

Im not pretending that I know things that I am doing things greatly. Its just that I am tired of these stressful challenges that come my way. I realized  that from the onset, I dont like stress. I veer away from stress. 

I go to a place where stress is not as prominent. 

I remember resigning from a call center job because of stress. Now I remember the same old feeling. 

Im doing this presentation for a new property and I dont find creativity in stitching the slides. There’s no ‘AHA!’ moment in what I do.

If i continue working on this job, I would be hell forever old. It’s not funny old, it’s old old. 

And I know I should perform better but I lack the courage, emotional support, the flow of ideas that would make me feel better. 

I might as well beat it to the punch. 

The career path that I chose? Im not liking it. 

Am I performing well? no

Am I getting tired of it? Yes

Am I waiting for that commendation? No

Am I tired of all the rants and do this better blah… Yes

Should I continue doing what I do… I guess, maybe 

Should  I redeem myself? Yes

Then I should stop reasoning out my mistakes and misfortunes because I am still here. I can do this. Kung sa basketball may last 3 seconds pa…. of some sort. no I dont play basketball. hehe

For Redemption’s sake. I will do this. In God’s Guidance and by the Holy Spirit. And no IM not religious but I suppose I should enrich myself. 

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just a run down

I have been so blessed this year and i have done a lot of things i could not imagine i would have in my first year of working. But I have been irresponsible as well. I will need to  sort my actions and  discipline myself. I know I havent been  ’nice’. Ive done a lot. learned a lot. made mistakes and made decisions. sometimes right and sometime just way stupid. but hey the year isnt over yet. we’ll see.

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spaced out

I spaced out. I wanna do things, tasks, be organized but is this gonna be who I am? disorganized? lets make the 2 hours of my lfie organized. and hopefully productive.

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Changing

I am changing. Sabi nga ni jennifer hudson.ugh trying my best. really do. parang strom lagi pag kausap ko ung 2 un. ugh stay away from the storm.

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A favor to myself

I felt that I was Sue C from glee, feeling alone, feeling no one to go to and being alone. I wanted closure with my ex who clearly is happy and contented. They feel every time that I call them or talk to them, I open our  pandora’s box. I needed closure. 

My ex told me he broke up with me because he felt that I dont know the difference of loving a friend, a stranger and a boyfriend. I cried. I felt  bad for myself that made me rethink if i was capable of loving? 

He told me after 6 months co he thought I will realize my mistake, but I didn’t.

I am capable of loving. To be honest, I was partly to be blamed because I did not show enough support and love for that relationship. I can reason out that I am busy and I am adjusting but I did not give enough support, it just did not come out right. 

I am tired of being sorry because at this point in time I just want to be happy. 

I spoke with the boyfriend, we patched things up, altho I know and I feel that he was just saying all of those things to pacify me and make things normal and  at peace, or to drive me away.

I tried to sleep but something bothers me and now I just wanna dose off but I cant seem to find the inner peace to sleep.

Maybe I am still in love with him, and I felt that this is the final closure. The final one. It should end. I deserve to be happy, and by happy I mean loving someone full hearted which I failed to do. 

I dont know why I fail in this always, what’s with loving someone and giving myself up that makes me shiver and weak.

I need to know.

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and im officially moving forward

im still in love with you/

bakit walang closure? bakit feeling ko nastuck ako sayo

bakt galit sakin si jayson

sorry pero im stuck with you

fred mahal pa kita

nastiucka ako sayo

can we talk coz i need to let go, can you help me put its been six months ive been dtaing pero naiisip pa din kita nwawala ako sa train of thought ko

ayoko kasi happy katsaka gusto ko lang maging ok tayokasi feeling ko lumayo kakasi mahal mo ung bf mopero nakakabastos lang kasi wala akong gngawa sa kanya or sayokaya nagtataka ako kung bakit bigla nwalaomg gee
he told me feeling nya business partner ko siya.? ugh ansakit kaya nun…asif im not capable of feeling. og grabe hindi ko na kaya tojayson dont waste my time dont fuck it up…
si jason ok na kami kasi naglabas na naman kami ng sama ng loob, i feel like im a total psycho. its just fuck up. hay i hate the feeling pero now im putting things together. im pulling myself. ill find another someone like him.

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Blogosphere

Just read my previous blogs, it’s horrible. Thinking that all my blogs are outlets of emotion makes me feel a little bit awkward but it’s a way of me releasing all the pain im feeling. Thinking about it, everything is unbalanced. From 2006 since i started blogging, all my  entries were full of pain, anguish, hatred, unhappy moments and the like.

I should balance my postings, write something about the beauty of  my life and how I enjoy life.

I should open up, I feel like im stuck in a blackhole. I need to get things new, post the adventures of my life. 

Change the songcoeffect, shape it up for a better image.

I will change the songcoeffect.

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the cough

This cough is tyring to kill me, closing my upper airway for some reason. I went to the doctor gave me some steroids to open up my upper airway and some meds. I dont like meds  very unnatural but i need to take it, my natural way arent working. powerful drugs for my lungs, then im gonna hit back the gym and exercise.

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What to do?

Hit the gym, Sweat a lot, shower, get something sweet, go somewhere peaceful. I am in the middle of losing my sanity. With all the work and  my life   is full of worries and full of stress. 

stress isnt good for your skin. and certainly i ont like worrying befoore going to sleep.

Why do I hold back?

Why do I have the feeling of hloding back for years. What’s stopping me?

It always boils down to that question. 

As much as I would want to do things with strength I feel like im performing weak. This was not me. I was the most eager back in 2005, I was at the top. 

Then it happened, it all changed. I got depressed for years. Now, I feel a little less of worth.

Many things happened in my life. Had boyfriends, for quite few months and then they leave, I graduated college, I currently work in a stressful PR environment,

Now I wanna escape. im gonna fly away.

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I can do this`

With all the things happening in Levi’s I just want to faint and faint and wake up like nothing’s happened. You know that floatin feeling when you are free with work stress. I miss that, I miss the happy moments, ugh. I cant be emotional this time. Its just too much to be emotional. it is just floating in my head.

I am too busy to be thinking about other things. I shoot be positive, not waste time and just work what I can do. 

I need a retreat.

If you feel like you need a retreat every week, then your work must be really really stressful.

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punyeta

Seriously this is my break  dont work outside my room. all im askin is peace. so please, punyeta wala akong paki kung gusto nyo gumawa ng furniture ng linggo. Just don’t do it outside my room!

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blackout

im sleepy and tired just sleepy and tired as in,

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it’s a roadtrip

there was an eye flirt and then it stopped form there. You stared at each exchanged glances and smiles, tried to talk and be close but you realized he has a boyfriend. 

Then you stopped. You partied the whole night and you ate an early mcdo breakfast you gave him a tight hug and it ended.

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pourin

you know the feeling when you are just sad and burnt out. when you try to conceal the pain, but it is just so blatant that it is out. When you tell yourself that it is ok when you know that you are stil grieving. Everything just pours into you. You  feel burdened and tired. You may want to recuperate but it is just  painful to know that you are weak and that you are just scattered all over. 

I am starting to feel like I am a machine being controlled. Problems are pouring in. 

It will be a year since i first met you.Since I first found the love and care. I am still grieving. I am still in love with you. I am still at the point of saying to myself what could have I done wrong? What did I miss? 

I lost me. I lost the energy to stand up. I lost connection with myself. I am hating you for that, but a part of me tells me to just let it slip. To let it go, to move forward. But how to move forward when every now and then, little things would remind me of you. 

I feel that I was dragged to be drained. 

I dont want to be drained. This is  the moment of my life when I could do more than just work. I am more than work. I am more than just anything. I have passion.

I wanna do whatever I want to do. I want to experience what I did not experience before.

I wanna fly when I used to dream big. Back when it was still 2005-2006. When I had high hopes. Now, its just plain and nothing.

Am i jealous? Maybe I am. But its because I was not able to give something that I could have given.

Am I shallow? Perhaps I am shallow. 

Or am I just using my being shallow to conceal what I really feel. That fixation I cannot release. That pent up anger that was not able to come out. It will come out in time. But the question is when ? When I am totally drained?

I would not wish that to  happen that is why im writing everything down. To pour out all my anger.  to be drained completely. so that i could recharge for tomorrow’s life.

Jeff you forgot to forgive yourself and credit your kindness towards him.

So come up and pull yourself together, you were really nice but then again comfort yourself and dont let that guy ruined your life. You ruined almost 5 months of your life. That’s enough. Move forward to what is right for you. 

stressed? 

because of him.

accept the fact that the right person for you is not here yet.

the best is yet to come. When you decide to slow down and focus on what will be greater.

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tipping point

You remembered the time when stress is just a minute entity bugging your everyday life? Now it has been part of your life. it has entangled itself with your everyday activities. It has become part of who you are. You may want to escape but it eats you up. You feed stress.

I feed stress. When I wake up in the morning, when I ride the bus, when I start waling the busy streets of Makati, when I ride the old elevator, when I open the black velvet door, stress accompanies me. 

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